Yesterday, I got home from work, sat on my couch, and started crying. I cried because I just don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I look, the way I feel, the things I do or the clothes I wear. I’m just not happy with me.
My biggest issue with myself right now is my weight. It’s not horrible, I suppose. But I want it to be better. It used to be better. I feel like I used to be better. In the past three or four years, my weight has fluctuated a lot. I was at my heaviest about four years ago, then I lost 30 pounds. Then I gained some back, then I lost it again. And now I’m almost back where I started.
It’s frustrating because I know what I did to lose the weight both of those times, but it wasn’t healthy, to say the least, so I can’t do it again. I lost 30 pounds in less than a year by counting calories and making sure I ate less than 1000 calories a day. More than half of those calories usually came from soda, so I usually only ate about 400 calories of food every day. It was not healthy, but I lost the weight. The second time I lost about 10-15 pounds because I was working long hours at a job with no breaks and I’d just bring a couple snack bags of chips and a couple bottles of soda, and that was all I’d eat all day long. I’d get home and sleep for about three hours because I had so little energy, skip dinner so I could talk to my boyfriend, then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Definitely not healthy. Do not recommend. I was tired and miserable and headachy and felt horrible all the time.
When I moved in with my boyfriend, my eating habits got sorted out. I eat three meals a day. Probably more, cause I tend to bring snacks to work so I’m not hungry all day long. Unfortunately, that means that I’ve been steadily gaining weight. And it’s frustrating to me, almost more than I can express, because I liked the weight I was when I was thinner, I liked the way I looked, the way my clothes fit, I was more confident … but I can’t stay that weight unless I starve myself. I want to be able to eat normal, healthy food, and not just keep gaining and gaining.
I want to be able to wear my clothes without them being too tight. I want to not have to buy new pants every couple of months because the old ones don’t fit anymore. I want to not be limited on which clothes in my closet I can wear because I’ve grown out of all of the other ones.
My boyfriend likes running, and he’s tried to get me to do it too. I hate it. I genuinely feel like I’m going to die. I have a pain in my hip that aches and hurts just from existing, and walking makes it worse, so running is just plain hell. If it’s the slightest bit cold my ears ache, to the point where I’ve burst into tears before while running because the pain was too intense for me to continue. We signed up for a 5K run, and I did my best. I tried, even though it might not have seemed like it to him. But having that 5K gave me something to run for, a reason to do it, more than just “you should, it’s good for you.” Once the 5K was past, all desire to continue was gone. (I also had a surgery like 3 days later and wasn’t allowed to do any exercise for over a month, which didn’t help.)
I have no muscles. I can’t do weightlifting (not that I want to, that sounds miserable, and I feel like I’d break something. in me. I’d break me), I can’t run, I hate sports of all kinds … the only active thing I enjoy doing is dancing, and there is genuinely no place near us to do that. We’ve looked. Unless we want to pay $40/month (each) to join the activity center, we just can’t. So I have a really hard time finding any motivation to exercise.
I try to tell myself that maybe I can lose the weight again without starving myself if I get more active, but I can’t motivate myself to do that. I bought a fitness tracker. I ignore it when it tells me to go stand up and walk around, because if I’ve been sitting for that long, it means I’m in the middle of working on something. For a while we played Wii Just Dance in the evening, which was fun, but then we got Wii Fit, and you can’t do that together. And if my boyfriend spends an hour exercising after work, and we have to eat dinner … there’s only so many hours in the day, I’m not going to waste our time by using it too. I have better things to do, like dishes, or laundry. I’ve always got dishes or laundry.
The food we eat isn’t unhealthy. We eat at home most nights, only go out maybe a couple times a week, usually on the weekend, and once a week for lunch. I feel like our portions aren’t massive. I try to cook real food, not prepackaged food, or frozen food, or anything like that. Once in a while, yes, because it’s easy and nice to be able to make a full dinner in ten minutes, but usually we’re eating real food.
Even still, I spend a lot of time looking at those articles and lists of what to eat to lose weight or be healthier, etc, etc. I make shopping lists in my head of what I would get to eat this type of food. At the same time, my doctor has suggested I go on specific elimination diets for health reasons unrelated to my weight, so I try to match up the lists and come up with meals that are healthy and allowed by my doctor but also food that I am willing to eat. But it’s hard when we’re also trying to save money and so we’re currently trying to eat out the cupboard and not buy anything except the necessities (like breakfast food when we run out), so I can’t just go and fill up the fridge with tons of produce that I want for some new diet or lifestyle change that may not help me anyway.
I’ve been really struggling lately because in addition to all of this, my job is stressful, I’ve had a lot of health issues so I’ve been in pain quite often, and I feel like I haven’t done anything with any of the hobbies I used to be into. I’ll watch TV shows like Project Runway and think about how I used to sew and how I have those projects that I started and that I’m never going to finish, and I’ll briefly think about going home after work and pulling out my sewing machine … and then instead I’ll go home and fall asleep on the couch because all of this worrying and stressing is making me tired.
My boyfriend is working late tonight, and I keep telling myself that I should just go to the grocery store before he gets back and get the food I need for healthy lunches and filling breakfasts, but I know I won’t. I’m going to go home and sit on the couch and maybe watch some Food Network show while I panic about the fact that I don’t have anything prepared to bring to work for lunch tomorrow, and I ran out of oatmeal for breakfast, and we only have enough cereal for one serving, so I’m probably just not going to eat breakfast tomorrow, either.
And the whole time there will be that voice in my head telling me that it’s okay if I miss breakfast and don’t have anything for lunch. I can afford to miss a couple meals. I used to do it all the time.