Post Number 4

I’m really lazy. I’ll admit that. I don’t like doing things if I don’t have to. I’m perfectly happy to just sit at home on the couch and binge watch tv for hours at a time. Even when it gets to the point that my head hurts and I’m getting jittery from sitting too long, I’ll still just lay there and watch another episode, because sometimes it’s preferable to doing anything else.

I don’t understand how people can be so active. The weather is super nice now, so every day when I get out of work I see people jogging around campus, and getting all gross and hot and sweaty and fit and I’m just like, can I go take a nap?

People say that if you exercise it makes you feel better, makes you have more energy, that it might be hard at first but it gets easier. I’ve never experienced any of that.

I tried running with my boyfriend off and on for a while, and then I had surgery so I had to stop. I barely got a chance to go running again before it was winter, and then we didn’t get much chance to go running then, either. In January I ran a lot for a couple weeks, so that we could run a 5K. It was the first race I’ve ever done, and I didn’t do very well at all (probably because I really had only been running for a couple of weeks). But then less than a week later, I had another surgery, and was unable to do any sort of exercise or anything that could get my pulse up for a while.

Technically, I could go running now. But I just don’t want to. I’m tired, and I don’t feel well and my head hurts and the idea of running is just something I’m greatly opposed to.

When I run, my whole body aches. It’s exhausting. My chest hurts from breathing too hard. My hip hurts really bad, a deep burning ache that gets worse with every step. I had hoped that my hip was something that I had maybe just pulled or strained and that sitting at home, not exercising or doing anything after my surgery would help it heal, but it hasn’t happened. Some days it hurts just to sit in a chair or walk across the room, and I can’t bring myself to run on top of that.

Yes, there are other types of exercise that you can do besides running. But running is free, once you’ve got the shoes, and there aren’t many options for places that I can go here. I’m not paying to join a gym to do some other type of workout class or something.

I just don’t know how to motivate myself to work out at all.


Post Number 3

I half-way managed to do things that I wanted to do this weekend. On Friday I got to go home early, so I pulled out my sewing machine and started working on a project that I started about a year ago, and never got anywhere near finishing. It’s a dress from a vintage 1930s pattern, and I sewed the skirt together just fine, but once I looked at the bodice it was painfully clear why I never finished it. The pattern for the bodice just will not work. No amount of tucking and darting and careful maneuvering can get it to match up on all sides. I’m not sure how ladies were built back in the 1930s but their chests were rather odd looking, based on this pattern alone, and definitely not shaped like me. I tried drafting a pattern myself, but I’ve never done that before, and trying to get it to match up with the seams on the skirt made it much more difficult. In the end, I remembered that I don’t think I have any more of the fabric anyway, so I just put everything away.

I had bought food to try and cook healthier things this weekend (and for lunches this week), but it didn’t happen quite like I wanted. We were out of the house a lot, and running around and not feeling well, so we ended up making things like mac n cheese, that don’t require much effort or thought, or buying food out.

My problem is that it upsets my stomach. I’ve always had a sensitive stomach. I can’t eat fried food, or oily food, or pork, or sausage, or onions, or most foods with a sauce, or pre-prepared foods, or dairy, or lots of things. So it makes eating difficult. Going to a restaurant is always a struggle of “What on this menu sounds good, but also sounds like it won’t upset my stomach?”

Recently though, I had two rounds of antibiotics, and partway into the second one, my digestive system appears to have quit. So now anything I eat makes me sick, and all of my problem foods, which would have normally upset my stomach, now make me very ill. I tried taking probiotics for awhile, but it didn’t appear to do anything other than turn my tongue yellow. So now I’ve been sick for about two and a half weeks, have trouble eating any food, and it’s very stressful.

My doctor once suggested I try the FODMAP diet, and I keep meaning to try that, but at this point, I don’t think it will actually help. Maybe it would have before the antibiotics, but now I don’t know what to do. I feel like it would be hard to start the diet, and I just want to eat whatever I want without getting sick. Apparently that’s too much to ask right now.

Post Number 2

Last night, I was determined to get rid of this box of Nilla wafers that we’ve had for forever. I was sure they’d be super stale, so I didn’t want to eat them, but I didn’t want to just throw out half a box of cookies, so I decided to make a tiramisu-inspired dessert, since my boyfriend likes tiramisu.

I figured, crush up the Nilla wafers to make the “ladyfingers” layers, and then make a coffee whipped cream for in between. It sounded like it would work. But we only had vanilla soymilk in the house. I managed to find a recipe online that led me to believe that it’s possible to make whipped soymilk, but either that recipe was a lie, adding the coffee ruined it, or you just can’t do it by hand. (I always make whipped cream by hand, so I wasn’t about to get out a blender, and then have to wash the blender.)

Instead of whipped cream, I ended up with a sweet, coffee flavored cream. So I decided to make a chocolate coffee pie instead. Heated up the cream to almost boiling, used it to melt half a bag of chocolate chips, and then poured that on top of the Nilla wafers and set the ramekins in the fridge.

Apparently it tasted pretty good, like a thick chocolately pudding. I didn’t try one yet, but my boyfriend had one last night, and he enjoyed it. The only problem was that all the wafer pieces floated up into the chocolate instead of staying at the bottom like they were supposed to.

I had some time to wait while it set, before my boyfriend came home from work, so I did end up going to the grocery store and buying sweet potatoes and eggs and carrots and oatmeal and things like that. I wanted to get brussel sprouts, but they were out, so I got cabbage instead for dinner. We had some spicy Italian sausage that I had thawed out and I was going to roast it with the brussel sprouts and it worked just fine with roasted cabbage, too.

I’m feeling a little bit better today, because I can actually make my plan for yummy sweet potato hash for breakfast and things like that and try to eat healthier food. It’s the weekend now, so maybe I’ll do some crafty things this weekend too, and feel a little bit better about abandoning all my hobbies.

Post Number 1

Yesterday, I got home from work, sat on my couch, and started crying. I cried because I just don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I look, the way I feel, the things I do or the clothes I wear. I’m just not happy with me.

My biggest issue with myself right now is my weight. It’s not horrible, I suppose. But I want it to be better. It used to be better. I feel like I used to be better. In the past three or four years, my weight has fluctuated a lot. I was at my heaviest about four years ago, then I lost 30 pounds. Then I gained some back, then I lost it again. And now I’m almost back where I started.

It’s frustrating because I know what I did to lose the weight both of those times, but it wasn’t healthy, to say the least, so I can’t do it again. I lost 30 pounds in less than a year by counting calories and making sure I ate less than 1000 calories a day. More than half of those calories usually came from soda, so I usually only ate about 400 calories of food every day. It was not healthy, but I lost the weight. The second time I lost about 10-15 pounds because I was working long hours at a job with no breaks and I’d just bring a couple snack bags of chips and a couple bottles of soda, and that was all I’d eat all day long. I’d get home and sleep for about three hours because I had so little energy, skip dinner so I could talk to my boyfriend, then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Definitely not healthy. Do not recommend. I was tired and miserable and headachy and felt horrible all the time.

When I moved in with my boyfriend, my eating habits got sorted out. I eat three meals a day. Probably more, cause I tend to bring snacks to work so I’m not hungry all day long. Unfortunately, that means that I’ve been steadily gaining weight. And it’s frustrating to me, almost more than I can express, because I liked the weight I was when I was thinner, I liked the way I looked, the way my clothes fit, I was more confident … but I can’t stay that weight unless I starve myself. I want to be able to eat normal, healthy food, and not just keep gaining and gaining.

I want to be able to wear my clothes without them being too tight. I want to not have to buy new pants every couple of months because the old ones don’t fit anymore. I want to not be limited on which clothes in my closet I can wear because I’ve grown out of all of the other ones.

My boyfriend likes running, and he’s tried to get me to do it too. I hate it. I genuinely feel like I’m going to die. I have a pain in my hip that aches and hurts just from existing, and walking makes it worse, so running is just plain hell. If it’s the slightest bit cold my ears ache, to the point where I’ve burst into tears before while running because the pain was too intense for me to continue. We signed up for a 5K run, and I did my best. I tried, even though it might not have seemed like it to him. But having that 5K gave me something to run for, a reason to do it, more than just “you should, it’s good for you.” Once the 5K was past, all desire to continue was gone. (I also had a surgery like 3 days later and wasn’t allowed to do any exercise for over a month, which didn’t help.)

I have no muscles. I can’t do weightlifting (not that I want to, that sounds miserable, and I feel like I’d break something. in me. I’d break me), I can’t run, I hate sports of all kinds … the only active thing I enjoy doing is dancing, and there is genuinely no place near us to do that. We’ve looked. Unless we want to pay $40/month (each) to join the activity center, we just can’t. So I have a really hard time finding any motivation to exercise.

I try to tell myself that maybe I can lose the weight again without starving myself if I get more active, but I can’t motivate myself to do that. I bought a fitness tracker. I ignore it when it tells me to go stand up and walk around, because if I’ve been sitting for that long, it means I’m in the middle of working on something. For a while we played Wii Just Dance in the evening, which was fun, but then we got Wii Fit, and you can’t do that together. And if my boyfriend spends an hour exercising after work, and we have to eat dinner … there’s only so many hours in the day, I’m not going to waste our time by using it too. I have better things to do, like dishes, or laundry. I’ve always got dishes or laundry.

The food we eat isn’t unhealthy. We eat at home most nights, only go out maybe a couple times a week, usually on the weekend, and once a week for lunch. I feel like our portions aren’t massive. I try to cook real food, not prepackaged food, or frozen food, or anything like that. Once in a while, yes, because it’s easy and nice to be able to make a full dinner in ten minutes, but usually we’re eating real food.

Even still, I spend a lot of time looking at those articles and lists of what to eat to lose weight or be healthier, etc, etc. I make shopping lists in my head of what I would get to eat this type of food. At the same time, my doctor has suggested I go on specific elimination diets for health reasons unrelated to my weight, so I try to match up the lists and come up with meals that are healthy and allowed by my doctor but also food that I am willing to eat. But it’s hard when we’re also trying to save money and so we’re currently trying to eat out the cupboard and not buy anything except the necessities (like breakfast food when we run out), so I can’t just go and fill up the fridge with tons of produce that I want for some new diet or lifestyle change that may not help me anyway.

I’ve been really struggling lately because in addition to all of this, my job is stressful, I’ve had a lot of health issues so I’ve been in pain quite often, and I feel like I haven’t done anything with any of the hobbies I used to be into. I’ll watch TV shows like Project Runway and think about how I used to sew and how I have those projects that I started and that I’m never going to finish, and I’ll briefly think about going home after work and pulling out my sewing machine … and then instead I’ll go home and fall asleep on the couch because all of this worrying and stressing is making me tired.

My boyfriend is working late tonight, and I keep telling myself that I should just go to the grocery store before he gets back and get the food I need for healthy lunches and filling breakfasts, but I know I won’t. I’m going to go home and sit on the couch and maybe watch some Food Network show while I panic about the fact that I don’t have anything prepared to bring to work for lunch tomorrow, and I ran out of oatmeal for breakfast, and we only have enough cereal for one serving, so I’m probably just not going to eat breakfast tomorrow, either.

And the whole time there will be that voice in my head telling me that it’s okay if I miss breakfast and don’t have anything for lunch. I can afford to miss a couple meals. I used to do it all the time.